all great artists are crazy

Okay, first of all, my most sincere apologies at being dead in a ditch for the past few weeks. I lost my motivation sometime around Thanksgiving, and then delved right into finals, so I was kind of preoccupied. But enough excuses. I learned plenty of things during the past stretch. Too many to remember and write about thoroughly. But there is something.

Over the past few weeks, I learned that I may be having a mental breakdown at the age of 19.

I know, it sounds horrible. But the key phrase is may be. It’s just that things seemed to get really rough for me around the end of the semester and I can’t place my finger on why. The only reason I acknowledge it is because other people are getting worried about for it — my mom is still upset when I told her I was crying for no reason at all, and A and I had a good talk about… well, mental instability, I guess.

Sometimes I think I need a therapist. But in all honesty, I find it pathetic that I should need a therapist, given how young I am. A sees nothing wrong with it, and suggested that I should really see a doctor or somebody for potential diagnosis. Pills, even. I’m really thankful for her advice and for her being there to listen without making me feel stupid. But even so…

The scary thing? This is almost normal. I can’t tell you how many of my friends see people like a therapist, or have diagnosed disorders and are on medication for them. Should this really be happening? I can’t help but think that something is seriously wrong in our society when college is enough to make a person lose her mind.

I don’t know if it’s the weather, or stress from school, or stress from long-distance relationship, or people around me or atmosphere or whatever. I guess it’s over with for now. I’m back in Marquette on winter break, which lasts a whole nice long month. And I’m still afraid to take action. I keep thinking to myself; Well, wait it out, see if it gets worse, then go see someone, don’t act so quickly…

Again, may be. So don’t worry about me. I have a lot of people in my life who care about me, and I still feel pretty much here and in control and myself. So I guess we’ll see where things go, hm?

wanna be on top?

So I have my goony girly TV shows I like to watch. When I want intellectual pursuits, I read, write, listen to music. But TV is already brainless as is, so I don’t feel guilty when the quality of the shows I watch is equally trashy. And I have my little lineup — Gossip Girl on Mondays, America’s Next Top Model on Wednesdays, and True Blood either Monday or Tuesday (it’s on Sunday nights on HBO, but I don’t get that particular channel… to the world wide web we go!).

But today was the season finale of America’s Next Top Model, season 11 (and perhaps the end of ANTM as we know it, I hear rumors that it’s getting too “old” with the same plot each season). And we know what that meaaaaaaans!

Today I learned that McKey is America’s Next Top Model!

She wasn’t my first choice, really. Analeigh was. But she flubbed her commercial and Sam wasn’t “high fashion” enough, so McKey it was. I think what fascinates me about this show the most is seeing the final photos and the fashion, beauty and art that goes into it. I don’t like the drama or anything, and the “model challenges” bore me to death.

Two things about the three finalists in this particular cycle interested me: first of all, these girls are young. When shooting the Seventeen Photo Shoot to appear in the magazine in case she ended up being top model, Sam was gushing: “Seventeen is so me! I was seventeen like… three months ago!” And the judges were shocked to learn a previous girl named Elina, who seemed so cold and mature, was barely legal herself. These girls look like women — they look developed, tall and… mature. Sometimes they don’t always act that way, and I can frequently see that they are, in fact, super young.

I can barely imagine trying to run out into the real world and deal with all of these critical, judgemental professionals who have been in their field for years and years and expect to behavior, react and speak as if having been a model your entire life. Half the time I still feel like a little kid! I wonder what kind of impact it has on these girls’ lives, forcing them to grow up so fast…

The other thing was that none of the three finalists were stick thin. Marjorie was, but she left the week before. McKey, Analeigh and Sam were all very healthy-looking young women with real curves and actual muscles on their arms. Sam, especially, had a rather boxy tomboyish shape. I was really pleased to see that, especially after the previous cycle winner, Whitney (an actual plus-sized model!). And unlike Whitney, no one was actually commenting on their weight!

Whitney was always hearing about her weight. Sure, it was positive things, but it still pointed out the fact that she is bigger than your ‘average’ model. But none of these girls ever heard anything even remotely suggesting that they might be apart from the norm. That was good. Fantastic, really, and a big step in the right direction.

there goes my life down the drain

Today I learned that I’m failing Honors Econ.

Forget college. I’m going to run away and become the next big hit white rapper. After Eminem.

looking like a q-tip on fire

So I’m a part of a residential college here at school, right. That’s where my arts+humanities part plays into my major. And this college (called RCAH) has afforded me so many fantastic opportunities. I’ve been able to see a touring group who perform songs and skits about the Edmund Fitzgerald and the Great Lakes (as well as participate in a personal Q+A with them); I’ve heard Orhan Pamuk, Nobel Prize in Literature Laureate, speak; and tonight I had the opportunity to go listen to Margaret Atwood, famous Canadian author and poet, speak. All for free, of course (that’s right, be jealous).

Of course she was fantastic. I was struck by her wonderful sense of humor and yet how she managed to stay so dignified throughout. She talked about the process of writing one of her latest books, Payback: Debt as a Metaphor and the Shadow Side of Wealth, wrangled in charming and witty anecdotes about her first book signing in a men’s underwear department, a parrot she knew of who was very intelligent and social, and told us about “what’s been on my mind lately”.

So what’s been on Margaret Atwood’s mind? She’s from Canada, but American politics was on her mind. The recent election of Barack Obama, the change in Americans (“Although they never really were the same even before that”). She’s been thinking a lot about the themes behind her book, Payback. And in a mere hour and a half, she took us through an analysis of every tiny possible meaning of payback — from revenge, to debt, to credit, to social propaganda, to advertising, to chimpanzees… as well as the intricate implications, meanings, connections and interpretations of each. She could make an observation into the human psyche out of anything. And she even told us a little story about a modern Ebeneezer Scrooge (named “Scrooge Nuveau”, as opposed to “Scrooge Original” (pre-ghosts) and “Scrooge Lite” (post-ghosts)).

Today I learned just how much conscious effort and thought goes into a novel.

I should say “into a GOOD novel”, since there are plenty of shallow, brainless novels out there. And this is a bit of a surprising lesson for me. I’m no stranger to reading and writing, as you can probably figure out by now. And I’ve written plenty of fiction in my time, including several novels that are under deep and heavy construction (been working on them for some time and are doubtful to be finished soon). And I’ve done plenty of research and graphing and charting and brainstorming and connecting. I get a kick out of it. It’s like eating a giant, warm, delicious sandwich when you’re absolutely starving. There’s something inherently satisfying about digging deeper into the themes of humanity and exploring them in an insightful, complex plot of characters and relationships that symbolize and represent so many other things.

But Atwood seems to take it to the next level. Sure, I’ll make up two characters who are supposed to represent something and pit them against each other in a struggle remniscient of a social problem, while using language to manipulate the feeling of it all. But Atwood takes something simple and abstract — like the idea of payback — and runs with it. She draws up theories, models and parables. She takes basic, unrelated ideas like revenge and credit and juxtaposes them together, only to end up with an analogy of the human experience that actually makes sense. It was utterly remarkable.

It was also inspiring. Although I tell the world my goal in life is to be a journalist, my first and true passion is writing — creative, fictional story writing. I just want to make money, too, hence the journalism “fallback”. Hearing Atwood describe her creative process made me want to re-settle myself into my own creative process, like I used to do before college and boyfriends and massive lengthy homework assignments came into my life. Who knows? Maybe I will.

ps: The title? Atwood came onto the stage in a red shawl and announced to the audience, “Someone told me earlier that I looked like a q-tip on fire.” Pause. “Well, I guess it’s better than looking like a q-tip that isn’t on fire.”

baby I just wanna dance

Screw all my rules. Lessons come from everywhere whenever I gosh darn feel like it.

This past Friday, I went clubbing. Honest to goodness clubbing. H, P and her boytoy T and I went on a driving adventure to downtown Lansing to hit up Club X-Cel (and you should know, driving in downtown Lansing really is an adventure). I expected boys, and I expected male attention, and I expected slutty girls. But despite all my expectations, I was still unpleasantly shocked.

Today I learned that clubbing REALLY isn’t my thing.

gross.

I’ve only been to one other club before, and that was Club Spiral — which is a gay club. I had a great experience there. And X-Cel is also a gay club, so I was a little relieved I wouldn’t have to deal with creepers. I was just going to dance, obviously, I didn’t care about male attention given that I am HAPPILY in a relationship. But boy was I wrong.

Even if X-Cel is a gay club, it’s pretty popular with the straights, too. The straight, horny, single young guys who creep through the crowd preying on unsuspecting young girls. I didn’t know this, but the guys apparently get permission to ‘dance’ with you by sneaking up behind you, putting their hands on your hips, and yanking you back against their pelvis and proceeding to swing back and forth. Uhh… that’s not okay. Only the first couple of times it happened, I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. By the fourth guy, I’d figured out a system of catching them before they strike and re-positioning so they are no longer immediately behind you. This makes them awkward.

And I can honestly say I have never been so degraded in my life. I felt like an object that guys use to have a good time — like a can of beer or something. And knowing that there was no reason for them to dance with me other than the fact they wanted sex… just grossed me out. I was there to dance (alone or with my girly friends) and have a good time. They just wanted sex. Eeeew.

So instead of being able to relax and enjoy myself, I spent the better part of the night looking over my shoulder whenever I sensed movement, or dancing with my butt up against a wall. Certainly makes for some interesting stories, but it’s safe to say I won’t be hitting up the clubs for a looooong time, if ever.

what? no McDonald’s fries??

Today I learned why your ex-boyfriend does not want to be “just friends”.

I can’t take credit for this nugget of wisdom: the following is a brief explanation thanks to Tom Steele of B93.7 radio station. I figured out a while ago that it’s a bad idea for girls and guys to be buddies immediately after breaking up. But this provides a coherent explanation as to why. Thanks, Tom!

I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to “still be friends.”  He said, “No thanks.”  She wondered why he couldn’t fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship.  I came up with the “McDonalds Analogy” to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal.  A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke.  You really like this meal.  One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, “I’m sorry – you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can’t get fries with that anymore.”  You think about this for a moment, and sure – the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal.  So you say, “I’ve been able to get fries with that before, why can’t I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?”  The girls says, “Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out.”

At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy’s or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window.  But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, “If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she’ll change her mind and give me some fries with that later.”  So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he’s going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the “Big Mac Combo” and he is going to hear the girl say, “Would you like fries with that?”

That’s why guys don’t like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.

you, too, can be just like Edward Cullen!

Okay, I’ll bite (HAHAH PUN TOTALLY INTENDED). The new Twilight saga has gotten every girl between the ages of ten and twenty thirty forty up in arms. Good arms. What with the movie coming out in about a week, the hype has been greater than ever. Women everywhere are becoming obsessed with this story and its primary character, Edward Cullen. By the way, he’s a vampire.

For those of you (mostly men) who are unaware of the plot, I’ll go ahead and give you a catch-up: a teenaged girl named Bella Swan moves to a bitty town named Forks. She’s pissed and has some kind of superiority complex because she treats everyone around her like little inferior dirtbags when they only try to be her friends. This is, of course, until she meets Edward Cullen. Because he is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and the only one who doesn’t give a shit about her, she immediately falls madly in love with him despite knowing nothing about him.

The entire book and the following three sequels are all about Bella’s creepy stalker obsessed relationship with Edward, and how he slowly decides she isn’t too disgusting either. And just because Bella isn’t already fantastic enough by her beautiful little lonesome, yet another supernatural boy falls madly in love with her and she must choose between the two of them. And the entirety of Edward’s vampire family also thinks Bella is just the best thing since sliced bread. She goes on to prove her importance to the ENTIREWORLD in the 4th and by far most heinous novel, Breaking Dawn.

If you haven’t already figured it out by now, I’m not a fan (which is a wild understatement). But this isn’t the entire point of my entry today. Because although I may not like Twilight, I have indeed fallen victim to many other recent vampire romance stories lately. There was a show on ABC for a short while called Moonlight starring Alex O’Loughlin as one of the sexiest vampires I’ve EVER seen, and unfortunately, despite my friends and mine devoted fandom, it was cancelled after a single season. And now there’s the HBO series True Blood, which I don’t enjoy quite as much because it’s a little creepier and too sexual for me, but I still watch regularly. And of course, I enjoyed reading Dracula, and watching Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and Dracula 2000…

Today I learned of the trend in women’s vampire romance… and why it’s happening.

You can’t deny it. Vampire romance has been around for a long time, but lately it’s been spiralling to madness. Or at least popularity. It used to be kind of a geek thing, right? But HBO shows can hardly be called “geeky”, and the HUUUUUUUGE popularity of Twilight definitely proves otherwise (despite how poorly written the series is, it can hardly be called “geeky”).

So why are vampire romance stories so bloody (PUN INTENDED AGAIN BWAHAHHA oh God this is too easy) popular? Especially among women? I was reading an article in Entertainment Weekly in which they discussed it a little bit, and I’ve been thinking about it all day. What qualities do these vampire characters have they seem to depict them as “ideal lovers”? It’s kind of ironic, since vampires are supposed to be the dead things that suck your neck and move on to destroy the world. Right? So why are they so sexy?

Obviously I can’t speak for every chick. I like my guy to have some muscle and scruff, and plenty of my friends like the skinny hairless artist types. But I think it has something to do with the strength and power aspect. In every vampire romance, he becomes fiercely attached to his human lady and will do everything in his power to protect her. Which includes kicking ass in epic, powerful, superhuman ways. He’s also extremely loyal, because he’s been alone for hundreds of years and has finally found someone to share his un-life with. Also because of his lengthened loneliness, he will remind his lady love over and over about how she saved him and why she’s so great. And he’s been around for a long time, so he’s extremely mature and wise and intelligent and worldly, frequently with an intriguing accent and knowledge of previous times in previous places.

There’s more, I’m sure (and feel free to comment and tell me your speculations). But all of the above observations boil down to basic things. Women like strong men. We like to feel protected, and we like knowing our man can save us if we somehow get in danger. We also like powerful men, and power can either translate to money or strength. We like loyalty, and we like hearing why we’re so amazing. We like maturity, and intelligence. And we like the charm and class and sophistication associated with experience, age, and having traveled extensively.

Guys shouldn’t feel threatened or intimidated by this recent upsurge in vampire addiction. They shouldn’t even feel annoyed. They should be grateful and excited for this insight into the female mind: because the real reason women go nuts over vampires are things average human men can easily attain. So boys, take note: next time your girlfriend wants to gush over Twilight, let her. And take notes.

banking on some good help

I know I promised myself I wouldn’t post lessons that come from classes (it’s like cheating), but this is kind of borderline. I’ve written a previous post about a ‘field trip’ this particular class of mine took, and how this is a civic engagement class where we go out and get to actually do things. Tonight, we all met up at the Student Food Bank here on campus.

This is actually really neat. I’ve never heard of another university having this sort of thing — we have an actual food bank, run only by students (in fact, this is the only food bank in the nation that is entirely run by students!), that caters to students. All you need is to be enrolled in at least one class and not have a meal plan to qualify, and you basically come in and get to choose from a selection of free food that includes canned goods and dry pastas and beans. Anyone familiar with food banks or food pantries will know what I’m talking about. The idea is to have food available for those who are either too poor to afford it or otherwise don’t have the means to get enough food to sustain themselves (like lacking a car and a way to get to the grocery store, or simply not having time).

The clientele usually consists of graduate students, although they have noticed an increase in undergrad students as well. And the vast majority of clients are international students, or married students with families to raise, some of them single-parent families.

Now, I was there on a class assignment. And I can truthfully say that, were it not a class assignment, I probably wouldn’t be there. No real reason, right? Sure, it’s a great thing to do, but I’m a pretty busy person. And I assumed that’s the general attitude of most college students today.

So I was really quite surprised when, as we stood there talking with the food bank director, student after student just kept pouring into the place. They’d come by themselves and just dump their coats and immediately get to work, or they’d come in groups of two or three and be chatting loudly, or they’d wander in looking a little scared and announce they were here to help, what should they do? By the time things really got up and running, our class not included, I swear to you, there must have been forty-some volunteers. And the room we were in was not a very large one at all. Probably the size of a normal person’s basement.

Today I learned that some people don’t need a reason to volunteer.

I kept wondering why they were there. Did they get extra credit for a class? Did they have to fulfill some kind of community service requirement? Were they being punished (I kept thinking of prisoners getting hours… don’t ask me why)? But as I worked filling the bags and bringing them out to people, I overheard the conversations. These were just people doing something and having a good time. No one was talking about a class or a requirement. Many people were explaining aspects of the food bank to their friends, which made me think that they’d encouraged and convinced their friends to come along.

And this wasn’t like a good-will thing either. Like how we suddenly get the urge to help our community around Thanksgiving and Christmas. There was no holiday spirit here. This was just a normal day where people wanted some food and they were there to help them get it. And they didn’t seem to need validation for their actions — they didn’t want credit, they didn’t gush over how fulfilling and amazing it was to help others. They were simply doing it because they wanted to do it.

I was really quite surprised. And you would think I wouldn’t be… I dunno. It seems like everyone — including myself — needs to have some extra motivation to go out of our lives and volunteer or engage and help people. So I suppose you could say it was refreshing to see some people who didn’t need a reason or a justification. This was just what they wanted to do with their Wednesday nights.

clipping coupons

This year I’ve gotten really good at being more physically active, and I’ve gotten into the habit of running on a (nearly) daily basis. Unfortunately, winter time is a-coming, as I realized when we got our first snowfall the other day. I guess I could theoretically run in the snow, but that is a.) potentially dangerous if come across a patch of ice, and b.) it is frickin’ COLD. So my plan B is to swim at least 3 days a week in IM Center’s pool.

This involves the use of a bathing suit, obviously, which I don’t have. And I don’t mean your little sexy bikinis, I have those. And they’re useless and bad ideas when it comes to lane swimming and turning underwater and what not. So the hunt for the one piece began.

Today I learned that it really pays off to google “coupons” when online shopping.

sexy can I (this = unrelated)

So I end up, after hours of frustrated searching and seeing nothing but $60 swimsuits (@#%!@%#?!), I end up at Dick’s Sporting Goods eyeing up a simple suit for $24.99. It’s still a little bit more than I’d like to pay, but it’s the cheapest thing I’d seen all day. So whatever. I go through the online check out and get to the subtotal page. Turns out I get free shipping because it’s an apparel order over $19.99! SWEET.

I then see a little box that says “enter promotional code here”. I don’t have a promotional code. But who says I can’t get one? Off I go to google to search for “Dick’s Sporting Goods promotional codes”. A huge list of websites pops up, and it seems the two most common promotions are a 15% off total purchase, or 20% off single item. Oooooooh.~

So I click on 20% off to “activate” it, but all it does is take me to the Dick’s Sporting Goods homepage. Useless, I figure. Until I go back to my order, hit the refresh button, AND DISCOVER THAT SOME LITTLE FAIRY HAS TAKEN AN EXTRA FIVE BUCKS OFF.

Whoa. Turns out the 20% off was, in fact, activated: and 20% off of a $25.00 swimsuit adds up to $5.00. So shopper savvy little me only spent $19.99 total on this particular order, including free shipping. And a happy time was had by all.

maybe I should consider that flu shot

So this is all actually from last night but, whatever, it carries over into today.

Today I learned the importance of anti-virus software.

Yeah, I basically caught a virus last night. Never fear, it’s dead and gone now (and I assure you, nothing you click on my blog will harm your computer, I don’t ever upload files, it’s all links to other internet sources). Now, normally, I’m smart enough to have anti-virus software: I previously had a program called aye, avast! (exclamation included). But my free trial ran out a while ago, and I was too lazy to fix that.

So I’d been running around on the interwebz with no protection. It was bound to happen. And yesterday at around 8:00pm it did. I was doing nothing more innocent than Stumbling when all of these pop up ads, from nowhere, began assaulting my screen. Thanks to my geek-tech-father’s training, I intuitively knew that something had gotten into the system. Code red, code red! I was also tech-savvy enough to know that when the little window came up asking if I wanted to download something called “VirusProtector2008″ or whatever, I should rise above the influence and just say NO. Good thing, too, since I later learned that right there would have been the death of my computer.

I knew my avast! was dead, but I figured I could always re-install another trial version. So I did, waiting for a skull and crossbones to randomly appear on the screen the whole time. After avast! had installed, it reccomended that I reboot, as do most new installations. So I did. Minor glitch — after that, I couldn’t log into my system. It would either stay on a loading sceen for 40 minutes, or get to the desktop devoid of icons and a toolbar. Useless.

Well, my computer is equipped with ThinkVantage override software, which was the only thing I could access at the time. So I did. And spent several hours running a general systems test (which ended up being useless and took forever) and a Norten Anti-Virus scan (also useless, since it claimed no infected files and I knew that was WRONG). Finally I decided to reset my Windows XP settings, and save the data. Computer rebooted itself yet again.

I then opted, on boyfriend’s advice, to access Windows using the last successful method, when it asked at the start-up prompt. And thank God, I finally got in. All my files were still there, everything I’d downloaded. It had just reverted to the old settings. Really not a big deal. And finally was able to download an anti-virus (I’m running Kaspersky, so I reccomend it) and scan the system. It promptly discovered a Trojan and slaughtered it. Hah, hah, hah.

Moral of the story: If you get a virus, for the love of God, don’t download anything it kindly asks if you want to. It’s your way or the highway — use an anti-virus you know and trust. If all else fails, you can restore factory settings or reconfigure your system. And run the anti-virus scan ASAP. Or better yet, have one to begin with. Dummy me did not and nearly suffered the consequences, were it not for my quick thinking intellect and great computer wit dumb luck.